you know,

I never considered myself to be a person that would hate, not really. I'm the type that would forgive a rapist if they raped me for hell's sake. But since I was little I've fought myself so much over this one person. Battled and battled against my nature and my own wishes to change. I have given more than enough chances. Been beat down, stood back up, repeat, repeat and repeat. It's all a big joke. When I decide I will really hate this person for real this time because it is the right thing to do, I am guilt tripped. So I choose to give another chance, and then I watch as everyone around me is plowed down. I'm so sick and tired of beating myself up over giving more chances or not, whether or not too love him anymore. So I decide again for the hundreth time that I can't love him anymore, it is beyond bitter tasting, it is beyond pleasantly vile. I mean I feel as if my whole purpose is to hate him and deny his existence. This is what I should stick too. And here I am battling in my head again whether it is good of me too do so. How can something that feels right, still sound wrong.

I don't want him dead, that'd screw up so much in the life around me with karma and hate spiraling through everything (in my opinion). I was happy denying he existed in the summer, got along really well. And now I want to go back to how it was, and I can't because his presence reeks throughout the house. Poisons everything I touch. Suddenly everything is uncomfortable and dirty. Everything is wrong, I'm stepping on egg shells again when I don't deserve too. I only want him to be gone. I wan't to go to bed in peace, I don't want to stay up later than he does when he comes back to the house because I'm afraid to go to sleep when he is awake and loose. I don't want to go off to another state worrying about my family, worried if my brothers are okay, wondering if my mother is getting smacked around and raped.

My heart breaks over and over, I can't rely on my mother, she doesn't know any better, and my brothers are too young, they can't deal with the burden I've been driven to insomnia with. My heart is lodged in my throat every time I need to say ' I told you so ' but never do. It isn't my place to guilt trip anyone into submission, I'm not cruel. At least I don't think that I am. I don't want to have to hate, but boy does it feel like the only solid truth in my soul. Or will I have a soul left if I let hate nest inside and eat me alive?  I feel like I hate with more passion than I have ever loved.


Any feedback.?